Dear Dr. Smartypants,

My duck seems incapable of quacking. He spends all of his time beaming with joy and self-satisfaction. I would prefer quacking.

Roy Bindleson

Dear Roy,

Try an anal probe, preferably electric. That will wipe that God-damned smile off his face. If that doesn't get him quacking, buy a new duck.

Dr. Smartypants

[ Jacob Davenport ]