Dear Dr. Smartypants,
My duck seems incapable of quacking. He spends all of his time beaming with joy and self-satisfaction. I would prefer quacking.

Roy Bindleson

Dear Roy,
You seem very judgmental. Maybe it's you that's at fault? I could probably make your duck quack in about two seconds! My advice would be wasted on you, so I shan't proffer it. But I'm pragmatic like that.

Dr. Smartypants

[cjw]